by abby feb 2006

These are just my thoughts, you can say I'm wallowing in self pity, or callme a whack, I really don't care. I'm sad tonight, and my heart hurtsimmensely...These are my thoughts to the worldI wish you could accept that I'm not the secure person that you are. I'llprobably never be. I have lived my whole life looking for acceptance andapproval.all I want is for everyone to like me, and to be good enough foreverything. I don't think I'll ever be able to be smart enough, or prettyenough, or witty enough to make you love me enough. I try to fill the voidin me with everything. Maybe if I'm involved enough, it'll make up for allmy inadaquacy.No matter what anyone says, I'll always suffer from this overwhelming fearof rejection. I've been the one person that everyone can do without sincemy life started. I know that's a hard concept to grasp for you, but that'show my life started, I don't focus or obsess over it, it's just a simplefact. My family made a choice about my life when I was just a baby, andthat choice was to send me away. To hand me over to complete strangers andnever know what would come of my life. I will never know anything more mostlikely.That is a horrible thing to live with, that not knowing who I really am. Iin turn spend every day trying to define myself and who I am with myactions. I'm a mom, but am I a good enough one? Do I do enough for mykids? Will they be happy with who I am? Will the be proud of the personthat I am? I'm a failure at being a good wife, my husband is miserable withme. I don't take care of him enough, I can't get it right, I treat himpoorly. I can't love him enough to make him want me, so he goes outside ofour relationship to make himself happy, he found reassurance and comfort inanother woman because I was simply not enough. If I can't have the family Iwant, maybe I can make up for it by doing volunteer activites, if I give allof myself, then something had to make me a good person right? It seems likeno matter how hard I try I'll never be able to compensate for all the wrongsI seem to commit simply by existing.Am I not good enough to love? Why am I so flawed the things I want most inlife are so unattainable? I want support when I cry, I want to be held andloved. I want to not feel so damn alone in the middle of the night. I wantto be accepted, not always feel like some outcast begging to be let in.Therapy says I'm not alone, but I am...there is not one single person wipingaway my tears when I cry. I'm not strong, I don't care what you think, it'sa show, it's a farce...I'm pathetic and weak. I honestly don't know how Ihold myself together on a day to day basis. It's smoke and mirrors, italways has been.I have abandoned so much and changed so much to make other people like methere is no me left to find I suppose