by abby feb 2006

These are just my thoughts, you can say I'm wallowing in self pity, or callme a whack, I really don't care. I'm sad tonight, and my heart hurtsimmensely...These are my thoughts to the worldI wish you could accept that I'm not the secure person that you are. I'llprobably never be. I have lived my whole life looking for acceptance andapproval.all I want is for everyone to like me, and to be good enough foreverything. I don't think I'll ever be able to be smart enough, or prettyenough, or witty enough to make you love me enough. I try to fill the voidin me with everything. Maybe if I'm involved enough, it'll make up for allmy inadaquacy.No matter what anyone says, I'll always suffer from this overwhelming fearof rejection. I've been the one person that everyone can do without sincemy life started. I know that's a hard concept to grasp for you, but that'show my life started, I don't focus or obsess over it, it's just a simplefact. My family made a choice about my life when I was just a baby, andthat choice was to send me away. To hand me over to complete strangers andnever know what would come of my life. I will never know anything more mostlikely.That is a horrible thing to live with, that not knowing who I really am. Iin turn spend every day trying to define myself and who I am with myactions. I'm a mom, but am I a good enough one? Do I do enough for mykids? Will they be happy with who I am? Will the be proud of the personthat I am? I'm a failure at being a good wife, my husband is miserable withme. I don't take care of him enough, I can't get it right, I treat himpoorly. I can't love him enough to make him want me, so he goes outside ofour relationship to make himself happy, he found reassurance and comfort inanother woman because I was simply not enough. If I can't have the family Iwant, maybe I can make up for it by doing volunteer activites, if I give allof myself, then something had to make me a good person right? It seems likeno matter how hard I try I'll never be able to compensate for all the wrongsI seem to commit simply by existing.Am I not good enough to love? Why am I so flawed the things I want most inlife are so unattainable? I want support when I cry, I want to be held andloved. I want to not feel so damn alone in the middle of the night. I wantto be accepted, not always feel like some outcast begging to be let in.Therapy says I'm not alone, but I am...there is not one single person wipingaway my tears when I cry. I'm not strong, I don't care what you think, it'sa show, it's a farce...I'm pathetic and weak. I honestly don't know how Ihold myself together on a day to day basis. It's smoke and mirrors, italways has been.I have abandoned so much and changed so much to make other people like methere is no me left to find I suppose

so I don't forget

Memorial day weekend 2006
by Kris Pak

Well, the Philly weekend happened.There ended up being about a dozen of us in the city of Brotherly Love. Someyou know from this list, some not.I got there on Saturday evening to Laura telling me that they were at anIrish pub. By the time I got to the bar (after a detour to a Korean- runshoe repair shop in the Gallery Mall where I got a 30% discount for beingKorean) I found all these Koreans leaving a chi-chi lounge to go get gelato.That was the group of adoptees. There were a LOT of people at that point.Friends had told friends so in addition to Laura, Kelly, and me there wasnon-adopted Koreans and their friends and Lee-Ann from Also-Known-As andanother newer member from K@W all eating Italian ice cream.Then we went back to our hotel to freshen up and take advantage of theirhappy hour. There was a lacrosse tournament in Philly this weekend so thehotel was full of lacrosse teams and their families. In the elevator, a guyasked if that's why we were there. Besides being a little old for NCAAathletics, I thought to myself, "nope, I'm not THAT white [to play or knowanyone who plays lacrosse]"Then we went to a Korean restaurant for barbecue and haemul guk withddukokki and jeon. It was a cute ma-and-pop place, far different than NYC'sKTowns in Manhattan or Flushing. Maybe because it was a pojangmatcha therewas hardly any panchan? But, there were huge pitchers of beer. John met usthere. Then most of us went to a noraebang. Some left at that point though.Some more kyopos joined us to keep our number at about 15.That was fun, watching a lot of first timers find their hidden rockstar-selves and also drink about 3 dozen beers, 2 bottle of soju and abottle and half of whiskey.Then homeward. I crashed with Laura and met her family.We roused ourselves by 11 to go to meet the remaining folks for dim sum.Since Laura and I had gotten stuck in traffic we got there after everyonewas stuffed, but nearly 40 dishes testified that we ad missed a good time.Kelly stopped for a bubble tea then we split up to explore Philly a bit. Wesaw the Bell. We also went to major tourist attractions (j/k) of Cosi andCVS.Then back to the hotel and to dinner at a Cuban joint. I had to leave earlyto catch the bus home but someone else can fill you in on the mini-mini inPhilly from that point. Some are still there, visiting until Wednesday orb/c they live there.www.koreandrum.org

anxiety

Russ told me last night that he might go stay the night Saturday night with him mom. (She just had knee surgery) And a wave of anxiety rushed over me. I am starting already to plot ways of minimizing the time I will have to be alone. I haven't spent the night by myself in over a year now. I'm not sure how I'm going to feel.

And I know I can't tell him how I feel about it b/c it's something he has/needs to do and I don't want him to feel bad. My issue is my issue and I'm just going to have to deal with it.

something for me

I've been feeling lately that I never take time to do anything for myself. And honestly, I guess it's making me a little grumpy and resentful. So today I did something just for me.

I signed up for yoga class! whooo hooooo!!! I'm pretty excited about it, even though I'll probably look like a fool. And in a bit, I am going to go buy a yoga mat and perhaps a yoga outfit. :)